For 2015 I had kept a journal. On New Years Eve I had managed to finish the journal and look back through it all. This past year was my year of recovery. While I had been long out of my abusive relationship, it took some time for me to realize the extent of its impact on my life. By the beginning of the year, I had broken down. The high that I felt immediately after the break had worn off. The energy I had gained from the freedom waned. Everything slowed down and I started to see things within myself that I was otherwise distracted from by all external possibilities. My Fall 2014 semester at NYU was my worst semester by far. I had so many things interfering with my newfound zeal for life that I gained that previous spring. Worsening illness and family problems put me in a state of chronic stress that led to my crash at the end of the semester. Once that semester ended, I felt so numb and empty. The zeal I had before had no stable foundation to latch onto. Hopelessness and aggravated depression filled its place. I made a bed in that dark hole I was in and I cried for day. I felt robbed.
Excited for my trip tomorrow but I’m feeling sick. I guess I wanna say
Hi, I have an autoimmune disease and it sucks. It sucks for your own body to turn on itself and self destruct. When I was younger it was harder to grasp that. I would think – hey – if my body doesn’t even want to live, why should I? It really took a toll on my already strained mental health. Depression led to more frequent suicidal ideation. It took a while for me to really accept my chronic condition and to find ways to cope with it. If you or someone you know out there is struggling – with anything really – be kind and patient. We can get through this 🙂
Dreams are hard to come by
Life does what it can Continue reading
Does your heart ache
With a yearning
It can barely take a beat?
Yet so clumsy
Barely able to handle
It’s own strength
Squeeze and squeeze
Hard to find that release
That moment to let
Out into every crevice
Every single cell
To nourish, to love,
To bring the dead
– Sarah Mansour
Too many times. Too many times feelings of shame and self hate were encouraged. Some days I sense those feelings creeping back. Unworthiness, evil, disgusting, “hell-bound.” But no more. Not one more second. I refuse. I am beautiful. I am amazing and so worthy of making the most out of this fleeting life. You, too, are beautiful. Screw what anyone else says.
It has been about four months since I’ve last updated. The last time I made a post it was about my decision to go gluten and soy-free. Up until now I would say I have been successful at cutting gluten out of my diet. Soy on the other hand, I have found to be a lot more challenging. Mainly because I tend to love Asian food which often contains varying soy products and second, because many things contain soy in one form or the other. However, I have done my best to reduce my soy intake by a significant margin. Continue reading
Today, I’ve finally decided that starting tomorrow, October 15th, I’m going gluten and soy-free. I haven’t been feeling well at all these past few days. My thyroid has been quite swollen and more inflamed lately. It aches and throbs. I feel fatigued and confused. I’m moody and down. Pretty much I’m not feeling my best at this moment.
In the past few years of having my diagnosis, I’ve done some skimming of articles on the internet concerning the kind of diet that someone with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis should implement. The most common foods to avoid in the articles I’ve read were soy and soy products, as well as, gluten and goitrogenic foods. Even though I had this knowledge, I have always felt that the research wasn’t definite and conclusive. I was skeptical. Still, I did choose to avoid those foods for the most part without actually cutting them out.
Recently however, I’ve been consuming more soy than I have in recent years. Coincidentally, my inflammatory response has flared up. While I can just spend my days in my blanket burrito watching “New Girl” on Netflix waiting for the pain to subside and get on with my life, I really don’t want to do just that. I have so many big dreams and visions for myself that I feel that if I allow myself to give up- even just a little- I would feel as if I’d let myself down as well as the people I could have potentially reached out to.
So I need to take an active part in the battle that rages within me. The battle of self against self.
At times I feel as if my illness is a metaphor for the bigger picture of life. Your biggest enemy will always be yourself. You will always be the first person in your way.
So, tomorrow, I’m taking the plunge.
Tomorrow I cut Gluten and Soy from my diet.
One day at a time.
I wish you all luck with your own journeys.
Until next time,