For 2015 I had kept a journal. On New Years Eve I had managed to finish the journal and look back through it all. This past year was my year of recovery. While I had been long out of my abusive relationship, it took some time for me to realize the extent of its impact on my life. By the beginning of the year, I had broken down. The high that I felt immediately after the break had worn off. The energy I had gained from the freedom waned. Everything slowed down and I started to see things within myself that I was otherwise distracted from by all external possibilities. My Fall 2014 semester at NYU was my worst semester by far. I had so many things interfering with my newfound zeal for life that I gained that previous spring. Worsening illness and family problems put me in a state of chronic stress that led to my crash at the end of the semester. Once that semester ended, I felt so numb and empty. The zeal I had before had no stable foundation to latch onto. Hopelessness and aggravated depression filled its place. I made a bed in that dark hole I was in and I cried for day. I felt robbed.
Today, I’ve finally decided that starting tomorrow, October 15th, I’m going gluten and soy-free. I haven’t been feeling well at all these past few days. My thyroid has been quite swollen and more inflamed lately. It aches and throbs. I feel fatigued and confused. I’m moody and down. Pretty much I’m not feeling my best at this moment.
In the past few years of having my diagnosis, I’ve done some skimming of articles on the internet concerning the kind of diet that someone with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis should implement. The most common foods to avoid in the articles I’ve read were soy and soy products, as well as, gluten and goitrogenic foods. Even though I had this knowledge, I have always felt that the research wasn’t definite and conclusive. I was skeptical. Still, I did choose to avoid those foods for the most part without actually cutting them out.
Recently however, I’ve been consuming more soy than I have in recent years. Coincidentally, my inflammatory response has flared up. While I can just spend my days in my blanket burrito watching “New Girl” on Netflix waiting for the pain to subside and get on with my life, I really don’t want to do just that. I have so many big dreams and visions for myself that I feel that if I allow myself to give up- even just a little- I would feel as if I’d let myself down as well as the people I could have potentially reached out to.
So I need to take an active part in the battle that rages within me. The battle of self against self.
At times I feel as if my illness is a metaphor for the bigger picture of life. Your biggest enemy will always be yourself. You will always be the first person in your way.
So, tomorrow, I’m taking the plunge.
Tomorrow I cut Gluten and Soy from my diet.
One day at a time.
I wish you all luck with your own journeys.
Until next time,
Will I be able to accomplish my goals and reach my dreams?
The doubt, the fear – it lingers.
As positive as I like to keep my head-space – there is always that creeping thought that I will not be able to accomplish anything. My illness will win the fight. Or at least weaken me to the point that my dreams slip from my fingers.
I have this random white patch that is becoming more and more apparent as the weeks go by and I can’t help but think it might be early vitiligo. A lot of sources I’ve read pointed out a connection between vitiligo and thyroid disorders as well as autoimmune disorders. I really wonder what it is. I need to get it checked out before my anxiety kicks in.
Since Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease – there is an even greater chance for me to get other autoimmune diseases. Autoimmune diseases such as Type 1 diabetes, Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and MS, to name a few.
While I don’t think about it a lot, it haunts me.
It’s taking me so long to adjust and wrap my head around just one, I don’t even know what I’d do if more were to come my way. I couldn’t even handle an all-nighter the other day. I ended up getting a fever, burning body aches that left me screaming in my sleep for my mother and an extra swollen thyroid.
But I want to be a doctor, I really do.
So, I’m going to suck it up, take care of myself and continue to march on.